Monday, May 28, 2012

the new beginning (finally)

After agonizing over the beginning of my story for ages, I think I finally found something that works. This is thanks to a brilliant idea of Katie Goad's, with whom I had a fabulous lunch today. Please read the new introduction and comment with your thoughts!

             Mama and Papa waited until it was a new moon, pitch black outside, before they decided to leave. Dr. Wolf was there, he said he would take them where they needed to go. It was a cold night, and Mama had bundled all her little girls up. Papa carried the twins and Mama took Maddie and Ellie’s hands. That left no hands free to carry their belongings, so Dr. Wolf carried those – just an old trunk full of  dolls and the family Bible. Mama said she wouldn’t part with them, especially the Bible.

            They walked along the road until they came to the creek. Papa went first with the twins, and then Mama pushed Maddie and Ellie through. She went before Dr. Wolf, but once she was through, she realized she had dropped her locket. Her locket with baby James’ hair. She screamed and cried and tried to go back, but Papa and Dr. Wolf held her, and pulled her away. Mama cried all night, cried for the locket, cried for her family, cried for her home that she would never see again. She was hugely pregnant at the time, and baby Lottie wouldn’t stop kicking the whole night. It was like she knew something wasn’t right.

            It took weeks before Mama went a full day without crying. For the longest time her eyes were continuously watering, silent tears always falling down her cheeks. She knew she was making a change to save her daughters, and to give them a future, but she cried for her old life, and cried that her daughters would never know the rest of their family. She cried that something would always be missing, and nothing would ever be the same.

1 comment:

  1. I like it! It leaves enough to the imagination to keep reading, yet gives enough information as to not leave you confused. The only thing I would change is to elongate the moment Mama realizes she has dropped the locket. Give it a little more emotion/importance/desperation...umpfh...If that makes sense lol
    Other than that, I'm quite happy with this new opening! :)